Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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