I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
