I want to make a zoo with you.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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