She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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