last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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