I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
