I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
50% drunk capacity currently
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
