My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
