Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
