i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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