I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
