Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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