you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
