I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
