I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize