My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize