Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
