I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
