would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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