he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
