do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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