Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
