woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
