I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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