The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
