He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
