He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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