i jhust puked up my retainher.
I wish my penis had an off switch
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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