Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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