Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
