Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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