I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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