He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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