I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize