Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
