I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
