I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He did a backflip because drugs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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