she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
