My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
