I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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