Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am midnight drunk by noon
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
