I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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