bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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