Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
