So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
