Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She even gives head with a lisp.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
