My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize