i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
