I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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