i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
