dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
