Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
