a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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