u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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