i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
