i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
