If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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